Currently This

I'm so sick of doctors. I am especially sick of any doctor, nurse, technician or anything and anyone who wants to stick something up my vagina to peek at the wonders therein. I used to play with the idea of leaving my body to science, but there's no point anymore. With all the pictures, swabs, cultures and pieces of my vagina floating around the city, unless I find a way to excrete Viagra or an AIDS vaccine, there won't be anything left to learn.

I had the pelvic ultrasound, today. I had never had a pelvic ultrasound before. Have you? I've had regular ultrasounds when I was pregnant, but that's just rubbing a little scanner looking thing around on my belly in a messy blob of cold goo. No biggie. This is a leetle different, boys and girls.

At my gyno's office, I saw an ultrasound machine. The regular, one. The one they use to fool you into believing it's no big deal. I saw (to the side, almost hidden behind the bottle of cold goo blobs) the vaginal transducer, or transmitter or transmission, whatever it's called and asked them specifically if that would part of the test. No, Liz, this is something else they said, and I know that as soon as I left the office they laughed hysterically. In any case, they said the vaginal transistor wand would not be part of this test.

Had they told me the truth, I might have showered this morning instead of last night. While we're at it, don't believe them when they tell you sticking the vaginal transsexual up there won't hurt. It does. A lot, especially when you've recently had most of your cervix removed and they're looking for the ovary which is a little too close to the uterus to be easily seen.

Fucking assholes. I just KNOW that I am going to find footage of my vagina on the net, or that this is some weird thing where they're beaming these transmissions up to the Mother Ship to better understand humans. For all we know, there are whole galaxies out there who believe we socialize by sticking things up each other's vaginas (These humans are very strange, Dr. Spacebeing. They meet in 'offices' and converse while inspecting one another's 'vaginas').

Good news is, no evidence of fibroids, so what the hell is making my uterus shaped so funny and causing all the nasty dysfunction?

One other weird thing before I go off to take the bath I am not supposed to take for another couple of days - did you know that if I have a hysterectomy, they will sew up the top of my vagina so my intestines don't come slithering out while I'm waiting for my triple venti White Mocha at Starbucks? Just a little bit of trivia. If anyone ever asks you how they do that, now you can tell them.