Currently This

Things are still pretty touch and go, here. No immediate crisis; just what seems to be the constant threat of one. You ever live like that, where you have to watch the measure of every breath you take? Where it isn't that you wonder if it will happen again, but when? That's what this is like. She's pretty tired most of the time. The meds. And she is often very angry, but too tired to do anything with it. And still very depressed.

Last night, when she was feeling so blackly out of it, I tried to remind her of all the things she does that she enjoys, and when I suggested she make a present for her brother, she perked up. By the time we finished the project, she was happy as a clam.

Then today, she was pretty nasty to him. It's surreal how it all ...I was going to say 'comes together' but it never really does come together. It's more that the pieces are free floating, ionized or magnetized so they kind of bounce off into the stratosphere when they get too close to each other. Ever look through a microscope at something, and you put the slide on top of the blood or whatever, and you see it all spread out and move away from itself? That's what life here is like. Trying to hold it all together. Trying to maintain cohesion.

But she's alive. And she's at home. I say that like a mantra. And all day long, at odd times, the thought goes through my head - 'my kids are safe, my kids are safe', as if I'm brandishing a crucifix for protection.

Me, I'm just tired. I've gained twenty five pounds. I lost eighty, swearing I wouldn't be one of the ones who gained it back, and there it goes.

The astonishing kindness from people the past could of weeks is almost impossible for me to believe in. It's so hard for me to believe anyone would care enough about me or my kids to go to the trouble to say so, to send a dollar, to send a hundred, whatever. That people would take time from their own days and lives and worries to think for us for a minute, to pray for us, to light a candle for us.

Like everything, it was a learning experience. I was really hurt by what seems unnecessary cruelty and confusing silences, but I was just as hurt by the kindnesses from people. The first, the cruelty and silences, that was like being cut, and getting infected. The second, the kindness, was like having disinfectant poured in the wound, do you know what I mean? A good hurt.

I'm not writing well. I'm tired. I meant to give you a brief update and here I have whined for forty five minutes and gifted you with lousy, pretentious metaphors. Probably because that good old Xanax is kicking in. Sorry. All is ok, all always is, one way or the other. Thank you again, to those people who wanted to help. If you need an ear...