Currently This

(An oldie but oldie from '03 I came across while going through posts from '03)

Scene: The bunch of us sitting in the living room, watching 'The Princess Bride'. My son and I are laughing like loons, my oldest daughter is not.

Son: How come Sis doesn't think the movie is funny? She's just sitting there with a mad face on her face.

Me: She isn't mad, honey. She's just being a teenager (I realize that she has or is about to start her period).

Daughter rolls eyes.

Me: It's too bad there aren't awards for teen angst, cause you'd win in a heartbeat, honey.

Daughter: Entertainment Weekly actually has the Tortured Teen awards.

Me: And you haven't WON yet??

Daughter rolls eyes to the whites. Son laughs.

Me: They must have missed some of your movies. Let's see....there's 'Nobody Loves Me', 'My Mother Doesn't Understand Me'..

Daughter and son laugh.

Me: I can't believe you weren't nominated for any of the 62 sequels to 'My Mother Doesn't Understand Me'. Let's see...there was 'My Mother Doesn't Understand Me 2', 'My Mother Never Had To Go Through What I Do', 'I'm Still So Fucking Misunderstood' and my favorite: 'You Don't Know What's It Like To Be Me'.

Daughter's eyes have now rolled from her head to the floor and the cats are batting them around.

Me: Let's not forget your breakthrough performance in 'I'm Not A Little Girl, I'm A Woman'.

Son is now on the floor, has rolled Daughter's eyeballs into a string circle and is trying to knock them out with his marbles.

Me: And don't forget 'If You Loved Me, You'd Let Me Drive Your Car' or '10 Things I Love About PMS'.

Son is laughing maniacally.

Daughter, while blindly groping about floor for her eyeballs: What are YOU laughing at? Your underarms stink!

Son laughs maniacally.

Me: Son, give your sister back her eyeballs. Have you brushed your teeth or used deodorant once in the last three weeks?

Daughter: Goddamnit, now my eyes are all fucked up

Son laughs and sniffs armpits.

Me: Well, Daughter, now you can add a new role to your list: 'My Mother Fucked Up My Eyeballs'. Son, go brush your teeth and put on deodorant.

Son leaves and comes back. 12 seconds have passed.

I leave the two of them trying to see how badly they can insult one another before I get fed up and shoot them both, and go off to use the bathroom. After noting the cracked, parched landscape of the sink and way the bristles crumble into dust when I move his toothbrush, and suddenly thinking about In and Out burgers, I swim through the clouds of stink and grope my way back into the living room.

Me: Son, give me your armpits!

Son and daughter laugh.

Me: I mean it.

I raise the boy's arms and begin using a spatula to apply deodorant. Daughter is now laughing so hard she may stop breathing.

Me: What are you laughing at? The last time you brushed your teeth was...? Go clean something. Go clean your room. Son, go brush your teeth before aliens settle in there and things start growing.

Son scoots off to brush teeth. I hear the water go on this time. I think to myself that in July, all my children will be tortured teens.