We were just driving out of a rainstorm and the mist was just clearing and this rainbow went from one side of the valley straight across to the other. It was gorgeous and made me think the people that lived there were being blessed somehow.
I was driving up Oxnard today, past the building that used to house Erikson Center, the place I lived as a wayward teen (Recap: I got there when Erikson was new, eighth person admitted, their unrealized golden girl, etc.), and I was suddenly hit with a feeling of nostalgia and longing so powerful I couldn't breathe. For a minute there I wanted to go back. It isn't that I don't love my life and family. I do and wouldn't change it for a minute. It's more that right now, after years of dealing with doctors and school bureaucracies and juggling bills, what I remembered as I drove past the building is a feeling of safety, of being taken care of and not having to worry. Erikson turned out to have its share of bad eggs as staff goes, but none of them ever hurt me. All I had was a bunch of surrogate mothers and fathers and big sisters and brothers, all of them there for the sole purpose of taking care of me (and the other couple of dozen kids on the unit). I didn't appreciate that at the time, but right now I am really appreciating the idea of people whose job it was to take care of me. And yes, OK, they were paid and once they leave the job or you leave the unit, chances are all that concern goes with them, but it's all very real when you're there and for a few minutes today I wanted to go back to my room on that unit, girl's side of the hall just across from and to the right of the nurse's station, and get in my bed.
I'll have had the last cig of the night in the music room (if you don't count the one I'll sneak in there later to smoke), made out for a while with the boy (or girl) friend du jour, drawn out the moment I have to get in bed by asking for just one more cig, or to stay up just till the end of this show, etc., maybe tossed an insult down the hall at whoever I was currently angry with and sent love to various friends, then gone into my room, chattered or argued with the roommate or whoever was in the adjoining room, turned on the ever present cassette player (low if it was music the roommate didn't want to listen to and I was big into Manilow at the time) then gone to sleep.
Not once in that process would I have been afraid for my sick child, angry at a teacher who should know better or think about how to juggle the bills so nothing gets shut off. When I was in Erikson, I spent a lot of time plotting how to sneak out and today I spent a lot of time wishing I were back in. Such is the process of growing up.
A staff member recently asked me to come back and speak to the kids on the unit now and that's what I would say if I did. Enjoy the time you are here. Take advantage of this time in your life where everyone concerned is working to make life better for you because before too long you are going to be grown-ups wishing life were easier. These are the moments when it was. Whatever you think life is going to be like when you don't have to put up with all these rules, it's different. Trust me - losing points or a level for kicking a teacher is not the worst thing that is going to happen to you from this point on. Whatever brought you here and no matter how well you do when you walk out of here, whatever expectations you manage to live up to, there may still be really tough times ahead of you so savor this time, these moments when the only thing you are really asked to do is your homework and to be in bed on time and someone comes in every once in a while to make sure you are still OK.
I don't know if that would be too terribly uplifting, though. Still, when I was there I thought it was all sooo hard and now I think back on my time at Erikson as the best years of my life before I had my kids, the only time I felt safe and the only real family I had before my kids were born. I know from experience, though, that you can't make kids hear that. They'll have to learn on their own. Oh well. That's also part of growing up.
Forgive this maudlin moment. It's been a tough few weeks. I'll have something more exciting to say next time, because my middle girl got a really cool opportunity for tomorrow and I get to go along for the ride. Maybe even pics! That's one of her perks for hurting as long as she has - her doc has killer connections in the entertainment industry. I'd tell you, but don't want to jinx anything.
