Currently This

Reasons I stopped writing in my blog

#1: So much was happening that it all blended together in my head and ended up word soup. I couldn't pick out the individual ingredients anymore without being tainted by the flavors on either side of them.

#2: No time. For a while, there was sick kid number one, two or three and I was too tired to post and kind enough not to post every day that my child still hurts (you really ought to thank me for this - Starbucks gift cards are always nice). When there was time, the last thing I wanted to do was sit here and feel dumb because I was daunted by the word soup I would need to wade through to get to what I really wanted to say.

#3: I couldn't figure out what I really wanted to say. Did I talk about my fears for my son? My fears for my children in general? My concern that having fears for one's children makes you a really bad mother? Should I talk about middle age? What I was doing with my time? What I felt I should be doing with it? Should I talk about the day I realized that I no longer needed to have my phone with me every time I walked away from my house because there were no real crises there at the moment? Maybe I should have talked about what I thought I should do when the day came that my kids didn't need me so much anymore - or should I talk about my fears that that day will never really come or, worse, my HOPE that that day will never really come? Should I talk about what I did with my day? What I didn't do with it? My desire to lose weight or the pounds I had gained that week? My fears for my marriage or my fear that I was being too hard on myself (and him) by worrying so much about it all?

Should I post a photo every day? Which photos? Is it bad that I really love water shots? Would people be getting bored of water shots? Would they be bored by stories of my kids? Should I finish archiving the blog? Do I keep the blog or not and if I don't, why should I finish the archives? What if nobody is reading me anymore? Do I want to go back to the days when I had several thousand hits a day? Should I promote the site in the hope that I can sell my photos? Do I have a responsibility to keep writing? Do I love to write anymore? When was the last time I was really turned on by anything? What the hell is happening to me? What if nothing is wrong with me? What if something is so wrong it bleeds into my work and no wants to see it or read it or wear it?

Should I take a creative writing class? Should I take digital photography classes so I can photograph the jewelry and sell it on eBay? What if I list something on eBay and someone steals the design? What if a million people want to buy my jewelry? What if I get a lot of offers for my photos? What if I stop futzing around and face the fact that I am talented and WASTING it? Is there an imperative not to waste talent? Do I have a responsibility to market anything I can in order to take some of the financial burden off my husband? What if I did well enough to support myself one day?

Is it really the worst thing in the world to make your own holiday cards and want the address labels to match? To obsess over the tiniest detail of everything you do so that no one can possibly find fault with you? To have been so afraid of being found guilty of something that I had because obsequious in order to avoid making anyone unhappy? Do I write about how I sometimes hate to think about the ways I have had to bend over backwards or my fear that I never really needed to in the first place?

So, you see, it all gets to where no matter what I start with, it immediately becomes a jumble of something else. I seemed to have lost the self discipline of my earlier stuff, maybe because I was so focused on so many things that I lost focus of everything. I hated the output, so I stopped putting out.

Heh. That's a good line, though.