I'm letting myself be dragged down by everyone else's needs. I've been roped into something by my sister who, though she has only the best possible intentions, can't hear me screaming no (in part because I sometimes mean yes). I'm being fairly drowned in guilt by my twenty-two year old, who has reverted to her first day of kindergarten. At the heart of all this, I am supposed to be taking care of me and find myself doing anything but. There has to be some pathology there, something about using their stuff to avoid my own, or self-esteem issues, but it all evades me.
The thing I wonder most about right now is do I really need all the work the surgeons suggest I need? Do I need it or am I acquiescing because it would mean a break from the guilt at home? There is no denying that the best part of being in a hospital is their only focus is you - you are suddenly the highest point on the totem pole, they'll be strong for you and you can go ahead and close your eyes without first wondering what everyone else is up to. I could go to a spa, but it wouldn't be the same - to be truly guilt-free, the separation needs to be beyond my control, not a choice I am making.
I love them, would not trade a day I've spent with them, but twenty-two years of special needs kids can make you yearn for babying. I'm not the kind of mother who easily steps back - I have to be yanked, nails gouging the walls, away from my kids before I allow that taking care of myself is maybe the priority, right now.
