Currently This

You know why lying is bad? Because it makes the person you are lying to question their instincts. When someone lies to me, they are telling me I am not competent to judge character and I can't trust my instincts.

I mention this because doctors lie all the time. Well, they don't lie directly, but they lie by being indirect, by assuming you can't understand what they're saying and so dumbing it down or omitting info altogether. They tell you that you are wrong to question them, they tell you the way your body is behaving is normal and suggest you simply need to get a grip or stop paying so much attention to yourself or even go see a psychiatrist because, I guess, you would ONLY question their judgment as the result of mental instability and it doesn't matter if later you find you were right to keep pushing (right around the time you find you need more surgery or find the surgery you had was botched somehow or you are having an 'adverse reaction' of some kind) - they still suggest your instincts are wrong and you just need a chill pill (which they can prescribe for you if only you will give them some peace, already). Then they get upset because you don't seem to trust them.

Doctors can't handle not knowing the answer. The ones who really care about you (and I have one of these - I would cheerfully recommend him to anyone who needs a good doctor) want to figure out what is wrong with you because they want you to feel better (and they want you off their back). I have one of those systems that has always been susceptible to rare or unlikely problems. I get diseases people my age or gender aren't supposed to get, I'm allergic to things most people aren't, my body just does things that confound doctors and it takes them a while, if ever, to figure out what is wrong. I've learned to listen to my body and know when something is not right and it gets tiring having to fight doctors to make them hear me. Even the kindest doctor tells me that I am more likely to need a psychiatrist than believe me that something is really off and at this point, I do need a psychiatrist, but not because I am a hypochondriac.

I'm usually right when it comes to my instincts. They told me my son was ADHD and I knew, I just knew they were wrong and we were eventually proven right when he was diagnosed with Asperger's. They told me my oldest daughter was having migraines and I knew, just knew they were wrong. My husband got on the internet, researched her symptoms and we went to the doctors and said hey, have you considered Pseudo-Tumor? They took a look at her optic nerve and said hey, by golly, you're right. They told me I had indigestion until they looked at my stomach and told me they had never seen anything as bad as the inside of my stomach and had to remove things and fix things and etc. They told me I was addicted to painkillers when I said hey, there's something wrong and even after they found out my gallbladder had stopped working, they still said I was just drug-seeking. I told the doctors I was having trouble breathing, they told me I was an addict and tried to commit me to rehab. That night they found blood clots in my lungs. They told me I was probably addicted to drugs and my husband and I kept looking and instead I probably have scar tissue gluing everything together in there (though we are still trying to get someone to hear us on that one).

I'm not dependent on opiates, docs. I'm dependent on not hurting. If you have a way to make it stop hurting that doesn't involve drugs, I'm there. I'll try the psychiatrist and I'll do acupuncture or Chinese herbs or buy expensive teas at upscale malls if you want. I'll keep losing weight (too slowly), I'll rub my tummy and pat my head while standing on one foot if you want, but stop telling me how wrong I am or how crazy I am and stop asking me to trust you when you won't trust me. I want my fucking life back - do you honestly believe you want that for me more than I do or that you have more invested in my wellness than I do?