Currently This

I saw my psychopharmacologist tonight.

"So. How ya been?"

"Mostly ok" (you're supposed to glean, with your psychiatric supsensory perception, that I am this close to sucking my thumb and curling in a ball)

"I don't have your file. I'll be able to prescribe but I won't be able to get samples because I don't have my keys. They were lost when my car was hit. I lost my wallet and my Palm, too."

"Yikes - that's hard, to lose all your ID. I lost my wallet and PDA not long ago, and it was a real pain to get it all back." (um . . . we aren't supposed to be talking about you. we're supposed to be talking about me. but if I get pissy, she might not want to treat me anymore, and I would have to start all over with a new doctor. don't want that. but this is unprofessional. on the other hand, why can't we socialize a bit? that's nice, even it's just a pretend thing. and it would be, because no one would spend time with me unless they were being paid to. no, don't do that to yourself. that's a shitty tape loop thing. you're a good smart person. you just need a med adjustment. i cannot believe she is discussing her shit when i am paying her to talk about mine)

"Well, it had a big check in it, too. A lot of identifying information."

"Are you nervous about driving? I was so scared for so long after that truck hit my car." (remember when the truck hit my car? maybe if you had my file you would be able to remember how scared i had been to drive the last time we spoke, which was months ago because you have been sick - uh, for months? - and you should be asking *me* how i am doing with that. why are you yapping at me about this? but maybe she needs to talk. i bet therapists need to talk and it probably feels nice to know someone cares. do i care, though? or am i trying to make her like me? do i care if she likes me? no i don't need people to like me. do i? shit, that reminds me - did i check to see if that credit showed up that account? how long are we going to talk about stuff before we get to what i am paying her for? god, am i really this pathetic? do other people have these dumb convos with themselves?)

- - - Yada yada yada, blah blah blah, waste of time and money, yada yada yada - - -

"So, how are you doing?"

(urgh i ought to bill her for the session) "Insert crap about how I'm doing here"

"Do you think a med adjustment would help you?"

(why the fuck are you asking me?? duh! duh duh duh! why the fuck am i here? what does this woman do for a living? it's your fucking job to know whether or not i need a med change. you're supposed to make informed decisions based on your education. that reminds me - i have to make that appointment for my husband. i wonder how julia roberts' babies are doing?) " I think I would like to try that, yeah. i think it might help."

"What, 50? You want to go up fifty?"

(sigh) "Well, you said we ought to titrate up slowly (because of deadly side effects and is it alzheimers? she is pretty old . . . ) so maybe I could go 25 and then to fifty in a week" ( i want to be paid for this. is she really going to be paid for this? when does my husband get paid this week? is it early or late?)

"Ok. Do you have it at home or do you need a prescription?"

"I still have samples, but I'll need a prescription just in case" (sweet jesus christ. am i allowed to say jesus? maybe i shouldn't take his name in vain, just in case god is real. you think god would be pissed... god this will make such a shit entry. do other people do this to themselves? i bet they do. people do this, right? )

"Insert discussion about next appointment and braggary about new PDAs"

(another lame interior dialogue about weird shit other people probably don't think about because they're sane)