More docs . . .

. . . more appointments, more battles with the HMO, etc. It just seems never to stop. I've gotten so used to telling people to take a pill for something That I'm afraid I'm raising little hypochondriacs.

In the next week, there are seven appointments to doctors, psychologists or psychiatrists for various members of my family. I have to do the sleep study again because they need to do something they couldn't do the first time. I'm still waiting for paperwork so I can make the appointment for my daughter with the neurosurgeon.

There's just this whole long list of things and I am tired. I am so tired. Every time I really try to think beyond making an appointment, my mind just freezes, wheels and gears grinding into each other and nothing. Nothing more.

I just don't understand what is happening here. How could so many different things be going on at one time? What are the fucking ODDS of this? I'm always afraid someone is going to say I have Muncheusen's Syndrome, but at this point I would be relieved because if it were that, then all the rest of this could be fixed in one fell swoop by getting rid of ME.

I don't have the energy to make my kids sick for attention. I hate attention, for one thing. I would break my arm to take care of my kids for another and lastly, and most importantly, I am too fucking tired. I can barely remember my name most days.

There may be some good news. The last three months, my daughter has had to have taps to reduce her SF levels, all at the same time every month. I've found something else that happens with her at the same time and I am hoping that this has more to do with the headaches than PMS and if so, maybe we can put her on the pill or something and she won't need the surgery.

You know what she said to me tonight, though? She said she was grateful I was such a good mom and then ran off her list of whys. She said the next time I tell you I hate you, just think about this because I really do love you.

That would warm my heart if I had enough energy to burn the calories.