Currently This

Hiya,

There are good days and bad days. There are good and bad hours within a day. If I get her laughing, it's better. She needs a few days where it's all good for a bit.

It seems impossible to me that the answers aren't out there. It's so hard to watch her hurt. I feel so impotent, so angry, so guilty. I feel guilty when I try to sleep. If I watch TV or take a bath or sit here at the computer. I feel every wince, every ache, and I feel keenly what she would never say to me, maybe wouldn't admit she thinks, even to herself: why aren't you fixing this?

I remember sitting at her bed and trying to use all my concentration and that bagillion percent of the brain we don't use to draw her pain into me and send health into her. There's a bus on my kid and I haven't been able to pull it off of her, yet.

I rage.