Currently This

I dropped my middle girl off at camp, today. This is the first time one of my kids has gone to camp. First time ever to stay with strangers. I wanted to sleep in the parking lot - I thought that was fairly unobtrusive - but they said no.

She had come to me last night, saying she wasn't going to go because she hurt so much. She was afraid - what if they wanted to do things that she couldn't? What if they thought her I.V. scars were track marks? What if she hurt really bad? I told her that if she had to sit something out, they would understand. If anyone had any questions about her scars, tell them to talk to me. If she hurts too much, call. We'll come get her. When she went to bed, she wasn't going to go. Part of me felt strongly that I should have pushed her, made her do it, because she has to be able to have a life even if she hurts. Part of me feels it's cruel to push.

This morning though, she changed her mind. Said the heck with it, packed her stuff, grabbed her meds and I dropped her off. I was so, so proud of her for facing something she was afraid of. That's such a hard thing to do when you hurt so much. Just as big a deal, it was hard for me to let her go to strangers and since they wouldn't let me sleep in the parking lot, I took the opportunity to go to the beach. I took my camera and watched the gulls.

I forget how good it feels to be alone with myself, to be where I want to be. Where I want to be is always the beach. It's such a guilty pleasure. It seems so decadent, so indulgent to enjoy myself so much and alone, yet. There I stood, face to the sky, in the water up to my waist, the gulls crying and waves crashing and I felt such peace and joy - and guilt. How can a mother possibly feel a moment of joy that doesn't involve her family when one of them hurts so much? I know that's irrational, but it's bedrock deep, too.

In any case, she called me tonight and asked to come home. Nights are hard for her. She always hurts more at night. They said she can come back for the days and that's what we'll do. She said her self-esteem took a hit and I told her she was looking at this all wrong. "You didn't fail," I told her. "You faced a fear and beat it and you'll go back tomorrow to do it again. Most people never face their fears and they never want to go back to do it again. You were afraid but you did it anyway" I said, "and you're going to do it again. That's tough, it's courage and it says great things about your character."

Still, she beats herself up. She beats herself up and I feel guilty for enjoying myself. I worry that means she will one day be standing in the water, feeling guilty. How do I keep that from happening?